i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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