she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
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the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
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He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..