so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
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You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
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Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie