I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
