She is in my trunk
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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