I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Houston, we have a blender
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Randomize
