I got chris browned last night
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
