My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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