I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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