so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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