the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
