:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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