oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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