you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
