Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
