It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
