this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
