She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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