This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
