Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
