Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
