i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
