Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
