he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
