got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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