the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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