i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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