dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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