Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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