If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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