I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
