I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
