I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I want her autograph on my taint
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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