every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
