I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
