Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
