i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
