last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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