btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just want nice things and good sex
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
