on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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