I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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