yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
