you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
