i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
