i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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