i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
