I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
