he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
