i will never coherently bang her
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
