well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
40s are totally the cure
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
