No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
