you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
