Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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