she's into porn, im staying here tonight
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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