I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How does it feel to date your dad?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
