My liver just broke up with me...
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
