It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
