If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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