the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
