I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.