Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
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you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
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It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.