How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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